As most of us are aware of, the Twilight franchise is a universal hit that in all honesty says a lot more about the prevailing mediocrity and apathy of the world than pretty much anything else. This is a franchise that keeps proving year after year that you don’t need good storytelling, decent acting or for all that matter even try for a film to be a success. As long as you showcase an overly fantastical, unrealistic and totally backwards way of thinking about love and feminism, people will respond to it like heroin addicts being given free heroin. Whilst I thought no other Twilight film could ever reach the vowels of hell quite like New Moon, Breaking Dawn, Part 1 has proven me so very wrong.

In this latest instalment, the wedding that every fan has been waiting for is finally happening much to the oddly unquestionable agreement of every character in the film. After years of gazing at each others’ eyes with hollow and creepy intensity, Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are getting married but not after Edward tells her once again that he is a monster. Being the dumb ass bitch that she is, Bella doesn’t care about the past and only about the future which promises happiness, sex and above else being turned into a vampire. During their exotic and totally unsexy honeymoon, Bella proves yet again that there’s no end to her stupidity by getting pregnant and in so starting a massive controversy or so they would have you believe.

To call Breaking Dawn, Part 1 a monumental overly cliche intolerable puke-inducing shit storm would be like calling the cast of Jersey Shore total idiots, the statement doesn’t even scratch the surface. In here we have everything that doesn’t work in the franchise raised to the max so much that while watching you begin to question who in their right mind could ever think this was a good idea. The film redefines acting by demonstrating that soap-operas’ actors deserve an Oscar. I think it would be insulting to call whatever these people are doing here acting, this shit is on a completely separate level. It would be redundant to say one actor was worst than the other, but it should be pointed out that giving Taylor Lautner more screen time was the worst mistake since the faulty equipment caused the Challenger to explode during liftoff.

A lot of people were saying that since Bill Condon landed the directing gig he would elevate and give the Twilight franchise a much needed sense of gravitas. When I heard that I laughed, rolled my eyes and called bullshit. If you honestly thought that Condon could elevate Twilight then you are utterly delusional. We’re talking about a franchise that made the director of the underrated but perfectly crafted and visually dazzling Hard Candy look like a massive amateur who should not work ever again. Condon directing Twilight is the definition of a pay-check film and as such he placed zero to not effort in directing this insult to humanity. There is literally not a single interesting thing to be found here and from a visual standpoint you can find something more dynamic by scrapping the shit out off a hobo’s ass.

In all honesty, we shouldn’t even call something as detrimental and abnormally insulting as this thing film. This isn’t a film, it’s an exercise in unnatural mediocrity and of why we as species do deserve to die at the end of 2012. To think that such garbage could be not only embrace but fucking accepted by the world is not only shameful but utterly depressing. If you want to see what’s wrong with the world apart from racism, war and so forth, all you have to do is watch Breaking Dawn, Part 1. With the previous film I learned to take all the cheesy moments and simply laugh at them, but there’s no way anyone with decent intelligence could laugh at the cheesiness here. Everything is so shitty that you have no idea how guilty I feel for wasting my time watching this. Please, let’s all stop watching these so-called films and watch something of merit.

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There are many things in the Twilight universe that I hate, like it’s overwhelming stupidity, examples of acting that make soap operas’ acting look Oscar worthy, deterioration of the female mind and oh well you get the picture, but one of the things I do not hate is Robert Pattinson. To be honest I actually like him as person and yes, his acting is atrocious at best but there’s some potential unlike Taylor Lautner who is hopeless. Water for Elephants is yet another film in which Robert Pattinson is supposed to prove that he can be a leading man and somewhat of a respectable actor. Does he succeed? Not entirely.

On the eve of his final evaluation to become a veterinarian, Jacob’s (Robert Pattinson) parents die and his loses everything. As he travels to the city inexplicably through some train tracks, he hops onto an oncoming train filled with animals and crew members belonging to a circus. He is given a job by the circus’ manager August (Christoph Waltz) and as time progresses Jacob falls for Marlena (Reese Witherspoon) who just happens to be August’s wife.

Scattered and in between the films numerous problems there are in fact some positive moments. Christoph Waltz is great as always even with a character that on paper is very one-dimensional. Waltz manages to inject a level of humanity and sympathy to the character that a less capable actor would’ve failed to do so. Beside that the thing I liked most about the film were the animals, especially the elephant. I don’t know what it is about watching an elephant do amazing tricks, but it is fascinating to me. You can tell that this animal is intelligent and I loved every time he was on-screen. And that’s it for the positives.

This film has a lot of problems that get even more predominant as it moves forward. The script is dull, joyless, corny and stuffed with so many generic lines that there were times I honestly wanted to punch someone. Director Francis Lawrence, who is better known for making Constantine and I Am Legend, fails horribly in his attempt at making a period piece film. Watching the film you can tell that Lawrence has no vision and is ill-equipped to handle this setting and the artistry a film like this needed. Throughout the film this circus is called spectacular and unlike anything you’ve ever seen, but the way it’s represented this circus looks lackluster and uninspiring.

Then we have Reese Witherspoon and Robert Pattinson. Besides the fact that there’s more chemistry between the toilet and my ass, these two fail at bringing anything of substance to the proceedings. Witherspoon is effective but for someone we know can deliver so much more, watching her here becomes a shore. She’s just a tool for Pattinson and Waltz to juggle back and forth. Pattinson performance is pretty dull, monotone and void of emotions, but what makes him even more frustrating to watch is that there are instances in the film where you see some genuine acting chops. Unfortunately these moments are small and too far in between.

Water for Elephants is not as terrible as I expected and wanted it to be. There are some small things that do make it watchable, like Christoph Waltz and that overly awesome elephant. If the film had been directed, written and featured a more capable leading actor it would’ve been an amazing film. This is, of course, not the case as the pile of failures are constantly dragging the film down. Francis Lawrence needs to go back to his special-effects driven action films and stay the hell away from dramas. Reese Witherspoon needs to get a better agent, because she hasn’t done a decent film since Rendition, which wasn’t really a great film either but at least it used her successfully. And Robert Pattinson needs to develop himself better and find roles that use his emotionless monotone intensity far better.

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